I’ve had rough week. I’m not talking about the crazy-standing on my feet for ten hours- working at Starbucks , Balducci’s, and Wolfgang Puck rough. That’s become something that I’ve come to expect. But mentally I’ve just been really drained.
For the last two weeks I’ve been working overtime and coming home around midnight. Amani is usually asleep but once I’m home, she’ll wake up and be awake until 5 o’ clock in the morning. She’s supposed to wake up at 6:30 to get ready for school and if she doesn’t going to sleep until 5 am, I can’t in good conscious wake her up an hour and a half and expect her to go to school. She’s still a baby despite her protests that she’s a “big girl”. Not only that, I’m so wiped out from overtime, I don’t wake up until like 9:30 the next morning which is way past the time Amani’s supposed to be in school. So she doesn’t go and I’m left feeling guilty. I know she’s only in pre-kindergarten, but still social interaction with other children is important. Plus, she’s always talking about her friends, the little boy she has a crush on, and her teacher.
On nights when I have to do overtime, I call my mom and she gets on my case about how I spend no time with Amani and how she misses me and asks for me. I try to explain to my mom that I do overtime because I want my managers to see that I’m reliable and hardworking. I’m not looking to remain a cashier forever. One of the assistant managers just quit and I know I’m not going to get the job because I’ve only been there three months , but I could at least be in the running. I hate spending so much time away from Amani, but I’m trying to provide a living for us. I’m not going to be living with my mom forever. I take overtime so I’ll have money to save to get my own place.
My mothers words hurt me but I did take the time to think about what she said. Maybe she’s right. I’ go right to bed when i get home and when Amani is having her late night rendezvous, I’m in and out of sleep. During the day I have little time, because I have to get to work so I spend no time with her then either.I realized my mother’s words hurt me because I felt like she was saying I was being a bad mother. She was only pointing out that I’m a good mother and she just wants me to stay that way. Amani asks for me because she loves being with me.. So, I am going to start saying no to overtime some nights and run home to my baby. Sure, some nights we’ll have midnight tea parties, but all that matters is what I do with the time I do have