Mommy A and I have had yet another of our falling outs. In the past we’ve had some really severe fights that came to physical blows. But after our last argument,which did NOT come to punches, I promised God and myself that the next time we had a disagreement we would talk it out, not scream,use foul language,or hit. And this time I kept my promise.
However, we did argue about the age old subject of my adoption. Mommy A got upset becaus
e the law recognizes Mommy N as Amani’s legal grandmother because Im her legal daughter. Mommy A felt that was unfair that the law discounts her as my mother. I told her she would not have had to worry about that if she had raised me herself.
What really upset me was how Mommy A seemed ungrateful to Mommy N for adopting me. She keot saying hurtful things to her lije “You’re not Jennice’s mother” and ” I have the scars to prove that I am her mother”. I could see the hurt on Mommy N’s face and that’s what really upset me.
I launched into a tirade about Mommy A still holding on to guilt from not raising me. She countered with accusations that I am still holding a grudge against her for giving me up. She got very agitated and insisted she did not give me up,but I was taken away from her by the state. To me, that was neither here nor there. I just wanted Mommy A to stop trying to make Mommy N regret adopting me and L. She is always trying to push her guilt on me and I don’t feel resentful about her anymore.
I fully understand why she gave me up. I am an adult now and all I’m thinking about is being the best mother I can. Mommy A is resentful of the close relationship Mommy N and I have. I have tried to get closer to.Mommy A but once I let my guard down, she blows her top over the simplest things. I told her we could NEVER have a better relationship until she leaves the past alone. So far, she’s done a good job raising X but it seems like she needs validation from someone else.
I know where her feelings are coming from because when Amani was first born, I felt a need to be validated as a good mom and I worried about how others would feel about my decisions regarding Amani. It took Amani’s first year of life to realize that just because my mom wasn’t that great a mom, doesnt mean it’s hereditary.
When it’s all said and done, I’m proud of myself for not disrespecting Mommy A but still getting my point across. I refuse to stop being close to Mommy N because of Momny A’s insecurities. I love them both differently and I’m trying to love them both equally but Mommy A keeps pushing me away. I thought having two mothers would be a blessing, but it isn’t turning out that way.
As you know Im trying the 8 week style challenge hosted by Kavuli of Good Hair Diaries. Ive chosen my protective style, which is the faux ponytail.
My challenge will last until March 20th and requires that I use castor oil(yes that kind) as a main ingredient. I’ve come up with an outline for how I’m going to take care of my hair for the next 8 weeks. Here it is:
Week 1- 1/23/13-1/30/13
wash hair with Curls Unleashed Lavish in Lather sulfate free shampoo;deep condition with ORS Hair Masque;L.O.C. with castor oil and ORS Incredibly Rich Hair Lotion
wash hair with Curl Care by Dr.Miracle’s Rehydrating Shampoo;deep condition with ORS HAIRepair Intense Moisture Creme;L.O.C. with castor oil and ORS HAIRepair Anti Breakage Strengthener Creme
wash hair with Lavish in Lather sulfate free shampoo; deep condition with ORS Hair Masque; L.O.C. with castor oil and ORS Hair Fertilizer
wash hair with ORS Clarifying Shampoo;deep condition with ORS Hair Mayo;hot oil treatment with castor oil; L.O.C. with castor oil and ORS Incredibly Rich Oil Moisturizing Hair Lotion
wash hair with Rehydrating Shampoo;deep condition with Creme of Nature Intense Treatment with Argan Oil; L.O.C. with castor oil and ORS HAIRepair Intense Moisture Creme
wash hair with sulfate free shampoo;deep condition with ORS Hair Masque;L.O.C. with castor oil and HAIRepair AntiBreakage Creme
waah hair with rehydrating shampoo;deep condition with Curls Unleashed No Restrictions Moisturizing Conditioner;L.O.C. with castor oil and ORS Hair Fertilizer
wash hair with ORS Creamy Aloe Shampoo;deep condition with ORS Hair Mayo;hot oil treatment with castor oil;L.O.C. with castor oil and ORS Olive Oil Incredibly Rich Moisturizing Hair Lotion
*L.O.C.- a process that I do usually right after Ive washed my hair and it is still wet. I then cover hair with a natural oil and then cover the oil with a water based creme or conditioner
*ORS-Organic Root Stimulator is a brand of hair products that I use most on my hair.
Once I’ve gotten to the one month mark of the hair challenge, I’ll update you on how my hair is doing.
I spoke before of doing a big chop and I still plan on doing it. However,I can’t afford to get my hair cut properly so until then I am going to participate in my favorite hair blog’s ,Good Hair Diaries protective hair styling challenge.
The first step is to take a picture of my hair’s current length. So,here it is and I’ll have a follow up post soon.
I’ve decided to make some big changes this year. 2012 really gave me a wake up call about my life and it’s time to shake things up a bit. I’m always talking about my goals for life but I’ve been too scared to take the uncomfortable steps necessary to achieve any of those goals.
Ive spent so much time thinking about this space and what I really want to do with it. Yesterday I had a conversation with my younger brother and I told him that I wanted to spend more time getting Mommy In Color where I want it to be. I explained to him everything Ive been thinking about and he was impressed with all the research I had done. His only question was “What are you waiting for?”. I’m not waiting for anything anymore. Im jumping into my writing and Im not looking back. This is my PASSION and it makes me feel good to vent, share stories,and give advice.
Ive been obsessing over the one bane of my existence:my hair. When I was a little girl, my mom kept it braided. When I hit my teen years she no longer did my hair unless it was a special occassion. I threw it in a messy ponytail until my BFF introduced me to hair gel. From that point on, Ive kept a very rigid ponytail. I knew my hair was beyond damaged but I didnt want the same fate for Amani’s hair.
I started searching the web for sites and blogs that could help me keep her hair healthy without using harmful products.
While looking @ a site for bloggers there was a blog featured there about…HAIR! I immediately checked it out and found a resource that not only gave natural hair products but explained all types of different hair, good and bad hair chemicals, and great hair do’s.
I tried alot of the recommended products, experimented with the various hair tips and decided the healthiest thing for me is to… CUT OFF ALL MY HAIR!!! Okay, well maybe not all of it but definitely do a big chop. A big chop is when u cut off all of your relaxed and damaged hair. Im really excited about it because I feel like it will liberate me from my negative feelings about my hair and myself.
This year is very important to me. It represents a new beginning for ME.The blog and my hair stuff are just a drop in the bucket for the changes I have planned for 2013.Now I know there’s a saying “When we make plans,God laughs” and hopefully He won’t laugh too hard at me. I spent all of last year taking care of my family,which is great, but done in vain if I don’t take care of ME. Amani is always at the forefront of everything I say and do and if I follow my dreams and take care of myself then I can better serve her. 2013 is MINE!