Mommy A and I have had yet another of our falling outs. In the past we’ve had some really severe fights that came to physical blows. But after our last argument,which did NOT come to punches, I promised God and myself that the next time we had a disagreement we would talk it out, not scream,use foul language,or hit. And this time I kept my promise.
However, we did argue about the age old subject of my adoption. Mommy A got upset becaus
e the law recognizes Mommy N as Amani’s legal grandmother because Im her legal daughter. Mommy A felt that was unfair that the law discounts her as my mother. I told her she would not have had to worry about that if she had raised me herself.
What really upset me was how Mommy A seemed ungrateful to Mommy N for adopting me. She keot saying hurtful things to her lije “You’re not Jennice’s mother” and ” I have the scars to prove that I am her mother”. I could see the hurt on Mommy N’s face and that’s what really upset me.
I launched into a tirade about Mommy A still holding on to guilt from not raising me. She countered with accusations that I am still holding a grudge against her for giving me up. She got very agitated and insisted she did not give me up,but I was taken away from her by the state. To me, that was neither here nor there. I just wanted Mommy A to stop trying to make Mommy N regret adopting me and L. She is always trying to push her guilt on me and I don’t feel resentful about her anymore.
I fully understand why she gave me up. I am an adult now and all I’m thinking about is being the best mother I can. Mommy A is resentful of the close relationship Mommy N and I have. I have tried to get closer to.Mommy A but once I let my guard down, she blows her top over the simplest things. I told her we could NEVER have a better relationship until she leaves the past alone. So far, she’s done a good job raising X but it seems like she needs validation from someone else.
I know where her feelings are coming from because when Amani was first born, I felt a need to be validated as a good mom and I worried about how others would feel about my decisions regarding Amani. It took Amani’s first year of life to realize that just because my mom wasn’t that great a mom, doesnt mean it’s hereditary.
When it’s all said and done, I’m proud of myself for not disrespecting Mommy A but still getting my point across. I refuse to stop being close to Mommy N because of Momny A’s insecurities. I love them both differently and I’m trying to love them both equally but Mommy A keeps pushing me away. I thought having two mothers would be a blessing, but it isn’t turning out that way.