Stuck in The Middle

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Lately, I’ve been feeling so down and in such a rut. I don’t go out much and life around my house is dull City. Mommy A and N wear me out with their constant neediness. Mommy N insists that Amani and I go with her everywhere and that I run back and forth to the store for her at least three times a day. I don’t mind helping Mommy N with doctor’s appointments or business appointments, but it upsets me when I have to get Amani dressed and myself just to go up the street with her. She calls me just to get something out of the refrigerator for her and that is annoying because sometimes I’m in the middle of a conversation or some other task. We’ve had several heated discussions about me being her daughter, not her slave.SHe always tries to guilt trip me by saying she’s going to get a home health aide. I’ve built a resisitance to that. She’s very much capable of going out by herself and I’ve tried to encourage her to make some new church friends.The time and energy I spend at home worrying and taking care of Mommy N has even started to put a damper on my social relationships. I haven’t been out to see my ex coworkers or any of my friends socially in months.

I remember now why I loved going to work so much. It wasn’t just about the money. It was about feeling accomplished when I left out of my house and leaving behind all the bullshit and drama that was going on at home all the time. I never enjoyed leaving Amani but the relief kept me from feeling depressed. Now that I’m back staying at home,I’m happy to be with Amani more but I’m really miserable. Watching all my mothers aches and pains and taking medication and doctors’ visits is just really draining. Mommy A said to me the other day “Jennice you’ve been around us so long, you’re starting to look old”.That right there tells me I’m wasting my youth. I’ll be 24 years old in three weeks and I’m not even excited.Writing is my passion and I want to do it as a career but how can I write with any good feelings when I feel the opposite? Do I suck it up and keep going until I “feel” better or do I go back to my safety net: an outside job. Is this just a temporary slump I’m going through and how do I get out of it?

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4 responses »

  1. Wow! You’re gonna have to draw the line and separate your two worlds. I’m no expert, but I do know that we only get one life to live and you don’t want to have any regrets.
    The only way that you can be a good mother and a good daughter is to take care of you first, and you have to make yourself happy first.
    Once you’re happy, then everyone depending on you will be happy, too! I will remember you and your family in my Prayers.

    • Thank you for the advice and you’re right. I know that I have to take care of me in order to take catre if everyone else but sometimes I feel guilty thinking abt me so much.

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