Love,Oh Love,Stop Making A Fool of Me

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I’ve always been a sucker for love. Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve believed in romance,Prince Charming,and happily ever after. I am motivated to find Mr. Right because I know he’s out there.

Growing up, I never got to see an example of true love.Mommy N was never in a serious relationship until she married my stepfather. Before him she NEVER had a revolving door of men around my brother and I  because she respected us. When I got older, she told me of a true love she had when she was younger. The man she was in love with was killed on the night he proposed marriage to her. I think from that point on,she gave up on love. My stepfather was a decent man and he seemed to be in love with Mommy N,but she wasn’t in love with him. After only two months of marriage they went their separate ways. I think Mommy N married him so L and I would have a father in our lives.

Mommy A was married at 17 to a man 30 years her senior. She was completely in love with him and vice versa. The lived in wedded bliss for four years. After Mommy A gave birth to my oldest brother she left her husband for her addiction. He died 7 months ago and she took it hard. Even though she left him,she was still in love with him and I watched her regret ever leaving him.

My first experience with love was Amani’s father. I was 17 years old when I fell for him,but in retrospect I think I just wanted attention from anyone because I wasn’t getting it at home. As a result of that, I have Bubba, whom I love to pieces!

To be honest, I’ve had a string of lovers and two serious relationships. In those relationships, I’ve noticed that I put up a wall. I am scared to give a man my heart because I don’t want to become a cautionary tale like my mothers.

I know what kind of man I want in my life. I know that I’m not ready to be a wife but I am looking for long term stability. I have been involved with someone off and on for about 5 years and even when we weren’t “together”, he was there for me. He puts up with all of my family drama,which would drive most guys away. He encourages me to do my best,and even though I’ve dated another guy,he STILL loves me. I don’t want to lose him but he’s so much more stable in his life than I am. He works, takes great care of his children,and stands on his own two feet. I just want to be able to be equal to him,because I can definitely see myself being with him forever.

Do you think I’m being paranoid in thinking I’ll wind up like my mothers? Should I go ahead and be with the  guy before I lose him for good or wait until I’m more stable in my life?

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3 responses »

  1. I know that we (as people) tend to propel a cycle onwards, whether it’s good or bad. It’s great that you realize that there’s a cycle going on that you don’t want to be part of. I think you should move forward with this guy, who fits you well. If you wait until you’re stable when will that be? Are we ever really stable in this unstable world? If anything get stable together and allow that to be the story of your lives together! Good luck, Lady!

  2. Pingback: Life Imitating Art | Mommy In Color

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