My Mother,Alice

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As most of you are already aware of, my biological mother has passed away. Here,i referred to her as Mommy A. At the time of this post,she’s been dead for a month & two weeks. It’s been the most miserable month& two weeks of my whole life.

I don’t know where to even begin. She died in my home,which has been her home,for almost two years. According to the medical examiner,she died of a heart attack which was bought on by her obesity, high blood pressure,and diabetes. She wasn’t dying( not exactly),she simply… slipped away. X (my youngest brother) found her. I am still horrified that a 15 year old child found his mother dead. I wish I could take that from him. I wish I could erase us watching the EMTs try to revive her almost an hour. I wish I could erase her being stretched out on the living room floor while we waited at least three hours for the coroner to come and get her body.

My mother was quite a woman. She was very smart and intellectual,especially when it came to the Bible. She could match wits with anyone when it came to the Word and we often encouraged her to become a Sunday school teacher. But she was so devoted to X. She was a good mother to him. She made sure he had everything he needed…and wanted. She spoiled him, but it was okay because he is her youngest. I was proud of her for being the mother he needed and deserved.

She tried to be a good mother to me,too. I pushed her away alot but there were also times where I wanted her but she pushed away from me. We fought horribly,both verbally and physically. We are both so passionate (read:stubborn) that neither of us want to admit to any wrongdoing. I always knew I was more wrong than she was. It is NEVER okay to hit your mother or curse at her. But I did it anyway.

I did it because I wanted her to feel the pain I felt from her not wanting me. I wanted her to feel unwanted by me. Logically, I knew she COULDN’T take care of me but every time we fought,my emotions and old wounds took over. When we had our good days,we’d talk about motherhood,love,and God. She always told me not to waste my youth but to prosper and enjoy it. There was always regret about her own misspent youth in her voice when she said it.

Now that she’s gone,I feel a hole in my heart. When other people have passed away,my heart chipped for each of them. But this pain is unique and indescribable. It has changed the way I think about my relationship with my daughter and the relationship with my adoptive mother. I thank God that a few days before her passing,our relationship was in good standing. She told me and X that she was proud of us and she loved us. That’s all a child ever wants to hear from their parents. And I guess that’s all parents want to hear from their children.

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10 responses »

  1. I can’t say I know how you are feeling because it is different for everyone. However, losing my step dad still tugs on my heart strings. It gave me real perspective on how a father should be. It made me realize how I want to be if I ever become a parent. It is coming up on the anniversary October 30th. To this day I wish I could take back pushing him away. We had a difficult relationship once my parents divorced but we loved each other. Always remember love is stronger than death. Love you, Kayla.

  2. Losing a parent is hard, hard, hard – and may be more difficult in your situation with the sense of abandonment you seemed to have felt. Lashing out is a a very human emotion – it is far easier to feel and express anger than to feel and express hurt, sadness, disappointment at (even a biological) mother we’re supposed to love. I am glad that she was able to tell you both that she was proud of you. It is those words that you will remember always.

    If you are interested, my parent story is here: http://www.middlesage.com/best-advice-never-got-will-always-want-parents-2/

    Thank you for openly sharing a very poignant story.

  3. Hi! You’ve mentioned your mom a few times on my blog and I wanted to stop by and “get to know you” a little better. Thanks for sharing a small piece of your mom with us. I was raised by my grandmother and often times I made my mom pay, too. Hurt people hurt people.

    I love how you’ve evolved and matured since her passing. Keep fighting to be the best you can be. Your mom would be so proud!

    • OMG, ur giving me so much love. Thank you for getting to know me& not judging me by past actions. It took alot for me to admit what I did & I was scared that people reading would shun me. But I’ve gotten plenty of support and I am so thankful that everyone is being understanding and not judgemental.

  4. Pingback: Starting From the Bottom | Mommy In Color

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