I remember the first time I held Bubba. The nurse had just wheeled her from the nursery and she was sound asleep. The nurse said to press the red button on my remote if I needed anything.Yeah I needed something…to get a grip. I half heartedly smile but kept my eyes on the tiny figure sleeping in the bassinet.
I kept peeking in at her and doing that alone set my heart to racing. One thing no one tells you is that you can be scared,not only of motherhood,but scared of simply holding your baby. What if I hold her,she gets a bad vibe,and cries her whole life at the mere sight of me? What if she doesn’t like me,or worst doesn’t love me?
Amani slept for hours while I made myself crazy pondering these ridiculous notions. Then I heard a tiny cry,followed by a small whine. I stayed in my bed but peeked at the bassinet. Suddenly,her hands became unraveled from the blanket. The burst of cold air definitely pissed her off and she went into a full on cry. I was frozen to my bed as if it were not my child lying there crying for warmth. When her cries became louder,I gently (and sorely) got out of the hospital bed and crept over to the bassinet. Bubba looked at me questioningly,then with warmth. I was her warmth. Oh, thank God! She knew who I was and reached for me. I hesitated still thinking of bad vibes and such. I counted to three,then picked her up.
The scared feeling was overcome by relief. I guess I had been waiting for this moment for nine months and it was here. I took her to the bed and laid her down in front of me. I undid the rest of her blanket and what was under there was my perfect baby. I reached to pick her up but she grabbed my finger. Hard. So hard, while looking directly at me. This conveyed to me that she needed me and she wanted me to know that right from the start. I fell in love with her right then and there. The rest,as they say, is history.