I got baptized when I was 16 years old. I attended church with my mom and brother every night after school. We lived two hours away from church but that didn’t stop my mother from having us there every day. We returned home very sleepy and our schoolwork suffered. I liked church.My favorite part was the choir. Man, those voices! It made me feel good and it made me feel like there was hope. My mom was so wrapped in church life, she had no time for the regular day to day of raising a teenage daughter and our relationship suffered.
When I left home and moved in with a relative at 17, I left everything I learned about God and all of that behind. After I gave birth to Bubba at 18, I took her with me to church when she was about two months old. The people I considered my church family had turned their backs on me. The sister who had helped my family find their niche in the church totally ignored me and Bubba when my mother tried to introduce her to my baby.She even took it took it a step further by referring to my brother as her “pot of gold”. I felt so humiliated and shamed. I had let God and my church down. Except my pastor. At the end of Sunday services, the pastor will pray for everyone in the congregation individually. I took Bubba with me to get prayer and before he put his hands on me, he looked at me and asked “Is this your child?”. I hung my head down and mumbled “Yes,sir”. He pulled my chin up so that I was looking directly in his eyes. ” God gave you this baby. You be the mother she deserves and don’t worry about the rest”. He prayed for us and I left that altar feeling better.
Fast forward to the present, and I have totally disconnected from God. Being saved is NOT easy and I don’t know if I’m ready to do it. I know that I face an eternity in Hell if I don’t get my life together, but I would much rather be honest with God than fake the funk to make anyone else comfortable. Lately, I faced some changes in my life and I came to the conclusion that its time for me to start rebuilding the ONE broken relationship I have in my life that can be repaired,my relationship with God. I’ve been reading by bible every night. I pray every night. My praying needs work but I’m not trippin’ because He knows I mean well. And through diligence, my praying, worship and praise will get better. I’m not promising that I’ll be attending church regulary or speaking in tongue any time soon, but I miss God and I miss having someone who I know has my best interests at heart. Like a good father.
Faithful Friday is something new I’m trying and I hope I can reach a spiritual family for support and guidance. Who knows, maybe my journey (and my honesty about that journey) will help someone else grow closer to God. I feel that a lot of people are not honest about the struggle that is present when you are trying to be saved, but I plan to be very candid and open about hardships when it comes to being a Christian. I don’t plan on being preachy or changing other things about Mommy In Color. I just know this is something I need to do for me.