No man can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude without finally getting bewildered as to which may be true- Hawthorne
I saw this quote while watching The Sopranos believe it or not. So much of my written stuff is inspired by somethonf I saw on television.
At first I interpreted it as “you can’t keep being phony all your life without eventually forgetting who the real you is”. That statement all by itseld is enough to make you think about your authenticity. However, after mulling it over and even praying for deeper insight, I had an “aha” moment.
I am celebrating a year of quitting cigarettes. I quit on my mother’s birthday, June 21st. My mom had been beghing me to quit since she found out I started (which coincidentally was around her birthday in 2012)She had quit smoking cigarettes and marijuana in 1993. But whenever she asked me to quit, I brought up her past history. NOTE: NEVER THROW YOUR MOM’S PAST UP TO HER. IT’S A S****Y THING TO DO.
So anyway, I started feeling physically drained and I was tired and irritable and just off. I went to my doctor and after telling me I’m anemic, I told him I wanted to quit smoking. He put me on meds and about three weeks later, I felt better. The first two weeks were tortuous and I wanted to go on a rampage but I made it through.
I noticed that the person I was when I was smoking was far different from when I quit. I wasn’t so focused on when I could puff again or how I would pay for it. I could be the real me before I picked up the habit. I only picked up smoking because I had a stressful work and home life. My biological mom,stepfather, and youngest brother had moved in unannounced and my job demanded so much of my time, I was missing time with my rapidly growing three-year-old. I wanted to be care free and unbothered so I put on a mask. I smoked EVERY chance I got. Double time when I was out with friends. Now that I’m thinking about it, I was still missing time with my kid whenever I interrupted our play rime to smoke.
In the first two weeks of quitting, I was in a daze or fog a lot. I forgot who I was and what made me actually happy. I was bewildered as Hawthorne says. A year later and I’m physically healthier and God helped me quit in preparation to carry this life inside me. Everything works for His glory. Amen.
“As you start your journey, the first thing you should do is throw away that store- bought map and begin to draw your own”- Michael Dell
I found this quote on fellow blog, Persia, Diary of a Mad Black Woman. I think it totally suits my life right now. As some,if not all of you know, I three months pregnant with baby #2. I wasn’t expecting to be pregnant again. Granted, I wasnt exactly preventing it but it wasn’t in my immediate plans. I’ve beenpretty vocal about wanting another child so I’m definitely excited. However, I wanted to be more financially stable than I am now. I thonl a posotive thing to come out of this pregnancy is a deeper faith and connection with God. I’m really going to have to lean on Him to help me pursue my original goals with a new baby on my hip.
My “store- bought map” as the quote says was leading me in the direction of becoming an entrepreneur and full time blogger. I intended to open an Etsy shop showcasing and selling my crochet projects. I had a name picked out and was even working on a few items to start with. I was researchong pricing and takong webinars on advertising on social media. Then…BOOM,morning sickness forces me to throw away that map and construct my own. I’m the only judt feeling more like myself and setrlong comfortably into the craving stage of pregnancy. My foods of xhoice are B.L.T.s and fruit.
This past week, I had to pray amd listen for what to do about money for Avery (that’s the name I chose whether it’s a boy or girl). Thank God I live in a state where there are resources for women like me. I applied for the Women Infant and Children (W.I.C.) program. Also, next week I will be headed to HRA (welfare) to receive a pregnancy allowance. That will help me buy baby necessities. I still want to blog full time but I’m pretty inconsistent. I set myself up for failure bu promisong to blog every day. Well, Im not doing that this time. For now, I’m aiming for once a week. That will keep me from over extending myself. As for the Etsy shop,I’m not really sure. I guess I could work on items for the duration of my pregnancy and then once the baby comes and I’ve settled into new mom mode, I can start selling. Yes, maybe that’s what I will do.
I would like to take a moment to thank all of you who have supported this psce through the years. I just found out I now have 100 followers and that chokes me up. I never thought 100 people would care what I have to say. I would do a giveaway if my broke self had anything to hibe away. I appreciate the support and love and I hope all 100 of you are also following the Facebook Page: Mommy In Color. Be blessed and be a blessing!