Every now and then, I wake up with a song stuck in my head. This morning it was an old disco song called Forget Me Not. I can’t think of the artist’s name right now but I do love to dance to it. I have no clue why that song is on my mind. It doesn’t hold and significant value for me. I am not a fan of the flower. I only remember that my father once sent me a birthday card and when I looked on the back of it, the care company was named Forget Me Not.
If I’m being honest,I have been thinking about my dad a lot, especially last week around Father’s Day. I felt sadness and guilt that I didn’t make more of an effort to be in his life. I wrote him letters but after a while I stopped hearing back. When I called, my grandmother assured me he had received them. But why weren’t they answered? The purpose of the letters were to accommodate the fact that he was 90 percent deaf. So I stopped sending them.
Maybe I felt rejected. I don’t know. I stopped calling him and grandmother too. That was partly to save face and partly to keep myself from the terrible dread of his death..like Mom’s. You see,her and I were rebuilding our relationship and then she was dead. I refused to go through that again. So I guess when it’s all said and done, I’m just an abandoned, rejected,hurt little girl. I think I just figured out why that song popped in my head this morning. Maybe to force me to deal with my true feelings about Daddy and maybe to remind me that I have a holy father that won’t make me feel rejected or abandoned. What a revelation!