No man can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude without finally getting bewildered as to which may be true- Hawthorne
I saw this quote while watching The Sopranos believe it or not. So much of my written stuff is inspired by somethonf I saw on television.
At first I interpreted it as “you can’t keep being phony all your life without eventually forgetting who the real you is”. That statement all by itseld is enough to make you think about your authenticity. However, after mulling it over and even praying for deeper insight, I had an “aha” moment.
I am celebrating a year of quitting cigarettes. I quit on my mother’s birthday, June 21st. My mom had been beghing me to quit since she found out I started (which coincidentally was around her birthday in 2012)She had quit smoking cigarettes and marijuana in 1993. But whenever she asked me to quit, I brought up her past history. NOTE: NEVER THROW YOUR MOM’S PAST UP TO HER. IT’S A S****Y THING TO DO.
So anyway, I started feeling physically drained and I was tired and irritable and just off. I went to my doctor and after telling me I’m anemic, I told him I wanted to quit smoking. He put me on meds and about three weeks later, I felt better. The first two weeks were tortuous and I wanted to go on a rampage but I made it through.
I noticed that the person I was when I was smoking was far different from when I quit. I wasn’t so focused on when I could puff again or how I would pay for it. I could be the real me before I picked up the habit. I only picked up smoking because I had a stressful work and home life. My biological mom,stepfather, and youngest brother had moved in unannounced and my job demanded so much of my time, I was missing time with my rapidly growing three-year-old. I wanted to be care free and unbothered so I put on a mask. I smoked EVERY chance I got. Double time when I was out with friends. Now that I’m thinking about it, I was still missing time with my kid whenever I interrupted our play rime to smoke.
In the first two weeks of quitting, I was in a daze or fog a lot. I forgot who I was and what made me actually happy. I was bewildered as Hawthorne says. A year later and I’m physically healthier and God helped me quit in preparation to carry this life inside me. Everything works for His glory. Amen.
I know that I should be enjoying my summer with Bubba and I really am but unfortunately summer won’t last always and when Bubba returns to school in September, I will be rotting at home. I lost my job as a cashier in March and its time to get back to the daily grind. I have been looking left and right for something I can do that I can somewhat enjoy. My last job was pretty okay (not including the pain in the ass customers and weird staff members). I think I would be well suited for an office job. However, I haven’t worked in an office setting in almost ten years. And all I did at that job was a lot of filing. It seems if an office job is what I want,I’m going to have to figure out how to use all of these Microsoft programs, which is a job in itself. When I feel really discouraged, I think about how much better my life will be once I’m making my own money again. I consider how broke I always am and the look on Bubba’s face when I can’t afford to buy her a new doll on a whim. It really sucks and I hate it! Which brings me to today’s quote. I think I’m going to have it printed and carry it with me whenever I have a job interview. Maybe I’ll even put it on my ceiling as the last thing I see before closing my eyes. Anyway, I hope it helps all of you who need a little encouragement in any area of your life.
Dude seriously, let it GO!!!
Recently,I went to my best friend’s baby shower. She just had a gorgeous little girl& I wanted to see how motherhood was changing her. I remember how it changed me (for the better) and it was she seemed so happy with her new role in life.
A few weeks later,we had a phone conversation and we talked about how much our lives’ and our friends’ lives have changed. Two of my closest friends are married,my best friend is getting married next year,and most
of us are parents. All I can think is ‘When did we grow up? How did we go from cutting class in high school to becoming parents and spouses?’ Our lives aren’t turning out the way we planned (but then again you know what they say “When you make plans,God laughs”),life is just…happening to us.
I have to admit although I am the best mother I can be,I’m not just a mom.I used to be a teenager with dreams of taking the journalism world by storm. Now,I’m a woman in my almost(four months to be exact) mid-twenties who is running out of time to be all that she can be and is not as confident in her dream as she used to be. My friends are accomplishing so much and I’m just…stuck!As proud as I am of my friends,I am a tad jealous of them.
My best friend helped me focus on what I need to do.She reminded me that I’m not a little girl anymore and if I keep accepting the way things are now,they’ll NEVER change.She even gave me a three month deadline to get my self together(the audacity of that heifer). I’m going to pull myself out of this little rut,put my big girl panties on,and…GROW UP!!!
The tall glass of chocolate milk in the back is one of my closest friends who is commited to his bachelor lifestyle( he doesn’t count regarding this post) and the lovely lady on the right is my bff.Doesn’t motherhood look good on her?
I have been a fan of author Eric Jerome Dickey’s for almost ten years. His words about,love sex,and life from an African American perspective have always resonated with me. He doesn’t cast his characters as “cheap hoods“ or “gold diggin’ baby mamas“ or “side chicks“ like alot of today’s black literature. He makes them CEOs of companies or well off entrepeneurs and gives their lives a complexity that I love. I finished his most recent work, Decadence last week and I absolutely fell in love with his main character,Nia Simone Bijou.
She is a self made woman who lives her life the way she wants. She doesn’t bend to any man’s will but that’s not to say she’s some sort of feminist man hater. Nia makes it crystal clear how she feels about sex and relationships With my current love life being in the dumps, I have been thinking alot about what kind of relationship I want and how I feel about myself in relationships. Nia sums up what I feel in this monologue:
“I crave love. I am human, and love I do need because love fuels us,but with the fear that resides in my heart,and now,not now,but lately,very lately,realizing I have an unhealed wound, I can’t cathect love,can’t invest emotional energy into something so wonderful,yet so destructive. And that does not mean that I don’t believe in love. Sure, it could work forever,but the odds are that it will eventually expire. I am an artist. I am a writer. I am fickle… I am underrated and yet people expect too much. I am restless. I am not a woman who feels that she is put on earth to seek out a husband,but one day i will and know that in the end he will suffer…I am outrageous in private and yet I am at times,shy in public. Take me as I am. Accept me as I am. Take my fears. This is me“.
– Nia Simone Bijou
from Decadence by Eric Jerome Dickey