Tag Archives: relationships

What Is A Single Mom?

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What Is A Single Mom?

I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts, Spawned, and the topic was Who Can Be Called A Single Mom? The hosts described how they define a single mom. I believe one of the hosts’ husband has passed away so she considers herself single. After hearing their perspective, I started thinking what “single mom” means to me. So let me back up a bit.

My grandmother became a widow in 1970 after 10 years of marriage and 5 children with my grandfather. She did not date much, deciding instesd to work and raise the children. It wasnt so hard for her to do this because she had plenty of family to look after the kids while she worked. She didnt start dating until all the children were grown. According to my mom she dated a couple losers before finding a good guy and giving birth to a 6th child. She didn’t marry my uncle’s dad but they were a couple until his sudden death. He did provide financially for my uncle through his retirement benefits and there were also death benefits my uncle received as well.

To me,the fact that my grandma had a romantic partner that loved with her means she was not single. Here’s another example. My biological mother was married when she was 17 to a much older man she hsd known since childhood. They had a son a few years into marriage and then my mom left her husband. She started an affair with another married man which resulted in a baby. The married man stayed with his wife but his wife got even with him by giving my mother his social security number to claim child support for the baby. My mom went on to have 2 more children while still legally married. My youngest brother’s father was her domestic partner for around 20 years,outlasting her actual marriage. However, I considered her single because she was married through her last 3 pregnancies and her husband and her were estranged.

I consider myself single for the same reason,kind of. I’ve never been married and I’m not in a commited relationship with someone who helps take care of my kids.

Here’s a last example for you before you decide what you think single is. My adopted mom was married to a man 20 years ago. She split up with him a month or two into their marriage and they have not seen or spoken to each other since 2000. In 2006,Mom got baptized into out faith, Pentecostal Christian. In our beliefs,divorce although recognized legally is not recognized by the church. You can not date anyone until your spouse has passed. If you do legally divorce, you still can not date or remarry until your spouse has died. So according to the church, my mom was not single until her husband died a few months ago.

So,whenever a mom tells you she’s single,think about what that means for you (if you’re pursuing a mom) and ask her what that means to and for her. Tell me,moms, how do you define being a single mom?

Sex and the Single Me

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Sex and the Single Me

I needs me a man! Things with Avery’s father fell apart fairly quickly after I became pregnant. We weren’t in a traditional relationship to begin with so I was not surprised when after I told him Avery was coming, he quickly exited the picture.

I was kind of bitter about the way thongs ended and even went into a mini man hating phase. Then my libido kicked back in. I had my first sexual experience 3 months after Avery was born. It was a casual thing with someone I know. There were no real feelings attached,it was just sex and we went back to our regular friendship.

I’m not good at picking men. I never have been and I’m not sure when or if I’ll be ready for a serious committed relationship. I think I want to be a wife but I’m not sure because I’ve never imagined myself as one. I knew I was going to be a mom and its what I wanted but wife just seems a little murky to me.

I don’t have any examples of healthy relationships in my family except for my brother. My biological mother was married at 17 to the love of her life but when drugs came into the picture, her marriage was ruined. She pined for that man until she passed away. It was sad to watch her go through that. My adopted was with a great guy and they also got married. But a week or two later, she kicked him out after realizing she sidnt want to be a wife. I loved her husband and was looking forward to him being my dad. So that hurt me that things didn’t work out. This is cliche, but I’m scared of commitment and getting my heart broken.

With the things going on in my life right now, I don’t have the attention to dedicate to a serious relationship. However, I enjoy being with someone but also like being left alone. I think I will date casually for awhile. My definition of casual is we go to the movies or dinner, we are intimate, we talk or text occasionally, and we have our lives. None of these casual acquaintances will be introduced to my kids because it’s inappropriate in my opinion.

I don’t feel any pressure to get down the aisle because I’m 30 or whatever nor do I feel pressure to marry because my kids should have a father. These are reasons other people have given me for why I should be ready to marry. I DO feel pressure to find happiness for myself in whatever way I can and I’m not apologizing for that.

It’s Gonna Take A Miracle

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I very rarely talk about my love life on here mostly because I don’t have one. However, in  the spirit of solidarity among single mom who are dating, I am going to open up a little bit.

I recently ended a six year…situation with a man I am very much in love with. I can’t exactly say he was my boyfriend and he even describes us as close friends *side eye*. We didn’t spend as much time together as regular couples do and he only lives one borough away from me. We spoke to each other everyday via text, Facebook messenger, Yahoo messenger, or Tango video app.  When we did see each other we enjoyed it. He made me smile, he made me think, and he made me feel good. It was easy to be in love with him, I’ve known him all of my adult life and I consider him my best male friend.

Our issue was I always coming up with excuses not to meet up with him when he invited me out. The reason was because my mother did not approve of him. Whenever I tried to have a woman to woman grown up conversation about him to her, she’d roll her eyes, suck her teeth, or make some nasty and mean remark. Sometimes we argued about him and it would just end with me having my feelings hurt. Eventually, it just became easier for me to not ask her to babysit for me and I would going without seeing this man or months, and a even a year would pass by.

He stuck it out but I guess I got friend zoned…well, “special friend” zoned. When this year rolled around, I decided that this was the year that he and I would reconnect and be in love. So, I started appealing to my mom. I told her I was in love with him and he was “the One”. She gave up her crusade of not wanting me with him and said she would gladly babysit Bubba when I wanted her to as long as I gave a couple days notice. Me and “the One” spent Valentine’s Day Eve together, and that was it. Things got weird recently.

We had a conversation about where our relationship was headed and “the One” revealed to me that he wanted to wait five years to “get together” (not married) so that he could build his business. I let it go but it just kept gnawing at my brain. I’m 25(this was before my recent birthday) and he is 36. We’ve known each other for six years but he doesn’t want to marry me, he wants to “get together”. I asked him a couple of times if he was willing to compromise his time frame and he said no. The five year plan is fine for new couples but not us.

As I ask him more about what he wants, it is revealed to me that he isn’t sure if he wants to remarry and that he doesn’t want a girlfriend. Oh, ok. So what the f**k does that make me, bruh? I started having those feelings of doubt, humiliation, guilt, sadness…all the things you feel when you know a relationship is over.

A couple of days before my birthday, I realize that I need to refocus on getting myself together. I had to stop being so wrapped up in what our relationship is or isn’t because he wasn’t losing any sleep over it, so why should I anymore? I told “the One’ that we should no longer be in touch because I had to learn how to not have him in my life. Initially, I asked him if we could work on us,told him I was in love with him, but to no avail. He had started seeing someone else. When he told me, he then proceeded to act like we could have a regular conversation after a statement like that. I HATE having my feelings dismissed. It’s Pet Peeve #1.

Let me be perfectly clear, “the One” did stick through 6 years of nonsense between me and my mom that kept us apart. He didn’t have to stick it out, but he did so for that I guess he deserves some props.My issue with him now is that we don’t want the same things.In five years, he still may not want what I do he isn’t going to budge on his five year plan.I’m not saying he has to. But I want to be a wife in five years and now that I’m aware of his uncertainty, I owe it to myself to detach emotionally and wait on someone who does want what I want. Like the Deneice Williams’ song implies “Its gonna take a miracle to make me love someone new, cuz I’m crazy for you”. I wonder how long that miracle will take…five years,perhaps?.

Nine Ideas for When You Have a Broken Heart