Tag Archives: single motherhood

A Change Gonna Come

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A Change Gonna Come

So for those of you who are following  me on Instagram (which should be ALL of you) you know that Tuesday night, I took Amani to WWE SmackDown Live. For my faithful followers you’re already tired of hearing about this but I do don’t care,this is probably going to be my favorite Mom win of all time!received_545597389211897

Amani is a HUGE wrestling fan! She watches it faithfully every week,plays 2K18, writes out story lines in her notebooks, has imaginary matches with her over sized stuffed dog,Bookie(poor Bookie),and is the proud owner of some cheaply made overpriced WWE merchandise. The girl LOVES IT!!! So she has been saying to me since May about what she wants to do with her Summer. She mentioned that going to a live event would be awesome and she knew that they would be in Brooklyn (30 mins subway ride from here) for SummerSlam weekend. I knew she would want to go and I thought “There is no way to make this happen. I am stretched to my financial limit preparing for Avery. I didn’t say no to her I just said  “Pray for a safe and happy Summer”. received_922360701285908.jpeg

Anyway, we got to go because God is just…GOD! We had an amazing time and Amani got a life long dream fufilled. Our family is going through changes and Amani is morphing into a pre teen. She is seeing that she is different from a lot of little girls she knows in that she is a tough girl who is larger than her classmates and enjoys wrestling. She thinks she is weird and is constantly asking me if I think she is weird. That tells me she values my opinion. Taking her to SmackDown was about letting her know that I support the young woman she is no matter what and so what if she is weird, Mom loves wrestling too…as evidenced by all my ridiculous yelling lol

Parents of Teens: How do you show your kids that whoever they are is cool?

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Up In Smoke Pt. 2

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No man can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude without finally getting bewildered as to which may be true- Hawthorne

I saw this quote while watching The Sopranos believe it or not. So much of my written stuff is inspired by somethonf I saw on television.

At first I interpreted it as “you can’t keep being phony all your life without eventually forgetting who the real you is”. That statement all by itseld is enough to make you think about your authenticity. However, after mulling it over and even praying for deeper insight, I had an “aha” moment.

I am celebrating a year of quitting cigarettes. I quit on my mother’s birthday, June 21st. My mom had been beghing me to quit since she found out I started (which coincidentally was around her birthday in 2012)She had quit smoking cigarettes and marijuana in 1993. But whenever she asked me to quit, I brought up her past history. NOTE: NEVER THROW YOUR MOM’S PAST UP TO HER. IT’S A S****Y THING TO DO.

So anyway, I started feeling physically drained and I was tired and irritable and just off. I went to my doctor and after telling me I’m anemic, I told him I wanted to quit smoking. He put me on meds and about three weeks later, I felt better. The first two weeks were tortuous and I wanted to go on a rampage but I made it through.

I noticed that the person I was when I was smoking was far different from when I quit. I wasn’t so focused on when I could puff again or how I would pay for it. I could be the real me before I picked up the habit. I only picked up smoking because I had a stressful work and home life. My biological mom,stepfather, and youngest brother had moved in unannounced and my job demanded so much of my time, I was missing time with my rapidly growing three-year-old. I wanted to be care free and unbothered so I put on a mask. I smoked EVERY chance I got. Double time when I was out with friends. Now that I’m thinking about it, I was still missing time with my kid whenever I interrupted our play rime to smoke.

In the first two weeks of quitting, I was in a daze or fog a lot. I forgot who I was and what made me actually happy. I was bewildered as Hawthorne says. A year later and I’m physically healthier and God helped me quit in preparation to carry this life inside me. Everything works for His glory. Amen.

It’s Gonna Take A Miracle

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I very rarely talk about my love life on here mostly because I don’t have one. However, in  the spirit of solidarity among single mom who are dating, I am going to open up a little bit.

I recently ended a six year…situation with a man I am very much in love with. I can’t exactly say he was my boyfriend and he even describes us as close friends *side eye*. We didn’t spend as much time together as regular couples do and he only lives one borough away from me. We spoke to each other everyday via text, Facebook messenger, Yahoo messenger, or Tango video app.  When we did see each other we enjoyed it. He made me smile, he made me think, and he made me feel good. It was easy to be in love with him, I’ve known him all of my adult life and I consider him my best male friend.

Our issue was I always coming up with excuses not to meet up with him when he invited me out. The reason was because my mother did not approve of him. Whenever I tried to have a woman to woman grown up conversation about him to her, she’d roll her eyes, suck her teeth, or make some nasty and mean remark. Sometimes we argued about him and it would just end with me having my feelings hurt. Eventually, it just became easier for me to not ask her to babysit for me and I would going without seeing this man or months, and a even a year would pass by.

He stuck it out but I guess I got friend zoned…well, “special friend” zoned. When this year rolled around, I decided that this was the year that he and I would reconnect and be in love. So, I started appealing to my mom. I told her I was in love with him and he was “the One”. She gave up her crusade of not wanting me with him and said she would gladly babysit Bubba when I wanted her to as long as I gave a couple days notice. Me and “the One” spent Valentine’s Day Eve together, and that was it. Things got weird recently.

We had a conversation about where our relationship was headed and “the One” revealed to me that he wanted to wait five years to “get together” (not married) so that he could build his business. I let it go but it just kept gnawing at my brain. I’m 25(this was before my recent birthday) and he is 36. We’ve known each other for six years but he doesn’t want to marry me, he wants to “get together”. I asked him a couple of times if he was willing to compromise his time frame and he said no. The five year plan is fine for new couples but not us.

As I ask him more about what he wants, it is revealed to me that he isn’t sure if he wants to remarry and that he doesn’t want a girlfriend. Oh, ok. So what the f**k does that make me, bruh? I started having those feelings of doubt, humiliation, guilt, sadness…all the things you feel when you know a relationship is over.

A couple of days before my birthday, I realize that I need to refocus on getting myself together. I had to stop being so wrapped up in what our relationship is or isn’t because he wasn’t losing any sleep over it, so why should I anymore? I told “the One’ that we should no longer be in touch because I had to learn how to not have him in my life. Initially, I asked him if we could work on us,told him I was in love with him, but to no avail. He had started seeing someone else. When he told me, he then proceeded to act like we could have a regular conversation after a statement like that. I HATE having my feelings dismissed. It’s Pet Peeve #1.

Let me be perfectly clear, “the One” did stick through 6 years of nonsense between me and my mom that kept us apart. He didn’t have to stick it out, but he did so for that I guess he deserves some props.My issue with him now is that we don’t want the same things.In five years, he still may not want what I do he isn’t going to budge on his five year plan.I’m not saying he has to. But I want to be a wife in five years and now that I’m aware of his uncertainty, I owe it to myself to detach emotionally and wait on someone who does want what I want. Like the Deneice Williams’ song implies “Its gonna take a miracle to make me love someone new, cuz I’m crazy for you”. I wonder how long that miracle will take…five years,perhaps?.

Nine Ideas for When You Have a Broken Heart