Tag Archives: #singleparent

What Is A Single Mom?

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What Is A Single Mom?

I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts, Spawned, and the topic was Who Can Be Called A Single Mom? The hosts described how they define a single mom. I believe one of the hosts’ husband has passed away so she considers herself single. After hearing their perspective, I started thinking what “single mom” means to me. So let me back up a bit.

My grandmother became a widow in 1970 after 10 years of marriage and 5 children with my grandfather. She did not date much, deciding instesd to work and raise the children. It wasnt so hard for her to do this because she had plenty of family to look after the kids while she worked. She didnt start dating until all the children were grown. According to my mom she dated a couple losers before finding a good guy and giving birth to a 6th child. She didn’t marry my uncle’s dad but they were a couple until his sudden death. He did provide financially for my uncle through his retirement benefits and there were also death benefits my uncle received as well.

To me,the fact that my grandma had a romantic partner that loved with her means she was not single. Here’s another example. My biological mother was married when she was 17 to a much older man she hsd known since childhood. They had a son a few years into marriage and then my mom left her husband. She started an affair with another married man which resulted in a baby. The married man stayed with his wife but his wife got even with him by giving my mother his social security number to claim child support for the baby. My mom went on to have 2 more children while still legally married. My youngest brother’s father was her domestic partner for around 20 years,outlasting her actual marriage. However, I considered her single because she was married through her last 3 pregnancies and her husband and her were estranged.

I consider myself single for the same reason,kind of. I’ve never been married and I’m not in a commited relationship with someone who helps take care of my kids.

Here’s a last example for you before you decide what you think single is. My adopted mom was married to a man 20 years ago. She split up with him a month or two into their marriage and they have not seen or spoken to each other since 2000. In 2006,Mom got baptized into out faith, Pentecostal Christian. In our beliefs,divorce although recognized legally is not recognized by the church. You can not date anyone until your spouse has passed. If you do legally divorce, you still can not date or remarry until your spouse has died. So according to the church, my mom was not single until her husband died a few months ago.

So,whenever a mom tells you she’s single,think about what that means for you (if you’re pursuing a mom) and ask her what that means to and for her. Tell me,moms, how do you define being a single mom?

Let’s Talk About Sex(Briefly)

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Let’s Talk About Sex(Briefly)

It has come to my attention that although we mom bloggers are expected to be honest about our lives, we are still viewed as non sexual in some respects. I was talking to a friend and she alerted me that she could see a tweet of mine discussing a sex act in detail. To myself I’m like “So what? I’m grown and so aremy followers. She then explained to me how readers view mom bloggers and moms in general.I’m like ” I have two kids, it should be obvious that I have sex”. But, in case it isn’t…I HAVE SEX. Here’s an even bigger news break: I ENJOY SEX.

Now, I know that statement is contradictory to my Christian beliefs but I’m not a hypocrite. I believe that we were created to be sexual for procreation but not solely for procreation. If that were the case, why do we get satisfaction from having sex? Why not just have sex be a thing we do to make babies with no emotional stuff attached? Sure, Im having sex without the benefit of marriage and sure it’s a sin. But I feel like Christians take it to the extreme when criticizing what is in our nature to do. If children are a blessing, then why try to shame the way in which the blessing was delivered.

This is not a discussion about religion, by the way. This is just me talking about myself as a sexual being. For you out there who just see a book nerd single pious mom, I’m far from that. Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

3 Thing I Learned During Pregnancy

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I am so glad to not be pregnant anymore. The last few weeks were really uncomfortable. I developed some weird pain in the top of my swollen foot along with a multitude of weird pain inducing and sometimes gross symptoms. But now Avery is here and I’m feeling a little reflective. This pregnancy was very different from the first one birth physically and mentally and I definitely learned a few things about myself and pregnancy:

1) Being dehydrated can cause preterm contractions. I went into the hospital 2 weeks ago because of contractions. They didnt hurt and I had been having them for a few days so I chalked it up to Braxton- Hicks contractions which are not a big deal and no cause for alarm. I was told that I was having contractions because I was dehydrated. (Of course I am Doc, I’m peeing every ten minutes🙄)You see,

Your uterus is a big muscle and, just like any other muscle in your body, it can cramp up when you don’t have enough water.
When someone is pregnant, their blood volume increases by almost two times its usual amount, she explains. If they become dehydrated, blood flow to the uterus is reduced, causing uterine cramping or contractions due to the lack of hydration. “The uterus’s response to the lack of blood volume and fluids is to cramp, which can result in menstrual-like cramping or contractions”- Shannon M. Clark, M.D.

I was encouraged to drink 10-12 glasses of water a day for the rest of my pregnancy and sent home. The water did make the pain disappear.

Dehydrated in the Labor and Delivery Unit

2)Asking for help is a must. When I used to see pregnant women being treated like a handicap person it made the feminist in me enraged. I was determined to be able to do all my normal tasks just as I had always done. Once I hit 7 months, I realized I just couldnt do things. I was too ashamed to admit that I needed help especially after I had been all “I am woman,hear me roar” the whole time. My brother came to me one day and said he had overheard me on the phone complaining about cleaning the house all by myself. He apologized for not realizing just how much assistance I needed and vowed to take out the garbage and clean the litter box for me. He did.

3)Lamaze breathing really does work. Avery’s birth was a scheduled c section but I was feeling more intense contractions and 2 hours after being admitted my water broke. I got nervous because I knew the contractions would only get worse. I immediately flashed back to Amani’s birth and the excruciating pain I experienced during labor. This time,I wanted to be more in control so I took deep breaths as the contractions hit. Surprisingly to me,they really helped. Focusing on my breathing helped distract me from the pain,which on a scale of 1-10 hit a 7.

All in all, I had a great pregnancy. Yeah I had a huge belly and painful edema but I learned that pregnancy is a delicate process you’re body goes through and asking for help not only takes the already heavy load off of you,but it helps bring together family for the preparation of a baby. I’m proud of myself for managing my pain and labor and delivery was quick(5hrs,15 minutes). My first pregnancy experience was full of shame and sadness. I couldnt enjoy watching Amani grow inside me but this time I was filled with overwhelming joy. I encourage all expecting moms to embrace the journey and listen to your body.

MommyinColorExpects:34 Weeks

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MommyinColorExpects:34 Weeks

Hey everyone!!! I’m back!!! First, I really just want to thank all my followers old and new. I can’t believe I was able to get new readers despite the blog being stale for the last month or so. I am so thankful for that!

I was finally able to get a new phone after my old one had been dropped so much, it started malfunctioning. There are a million things I was unable to do with the old phone and I can do EVERYTHING with my new one so YAY! Let’s get into some baby business.

I am currently 34 weeks(approx. 8 months) and Avery is thriving. He is around 5 pounds and is developing at a normal pace. For those of you who follow me on Periscope, you know that there was a concern about Avery’s health when I was 5 months along. There were some cysts found on his brain which did not surprise me. I had the same issue with Amani when I was pregnant with her. Upon her birth, she was born completely healthy is and still is today. I had to have a total of 4 sonograms and a fetal MRI to monitor and determine the nature of the cysts. I went to my last sonogram about two weeks ago and there was no sign of the cysts on Avery’s brain. The sono tech was pleasantly surprised and relieved. I just responded that I knew everything would be fine. We also found out that Avery is in breech position. That means that his feet are still facing the bottom of my stomach and his head is at the top. He should actually be turned around. Here’s what I mean:

I had my last prenatal exam this week and since Avery is breech my o.b. thinks it’s best I get a c-section. Delivering him vaginally in his current position would be a hard and possibly risky delivery and because my prior birthing experience was also not vaginal, we want to be as safe as possible. I’ve been hearing and seeing a lot of articles regarding the mortality rates of Black moms giving birth and its honestly scared the crap out of me so now I just want a safe and quick delivery.

I plan on breastfeeding right from the beginning and so I have been reading up on it. The first thing I learned is that you can store breastmilk for up to a year. I was like ” Say what?!”. I have learned about storing it and that breastmilk develops in stages when you first start. Right now I’m expressing colostrum,which is a watery liquid and the starter milk for Avery. It will change a week or two after we’ve settled into our routine and there are benefits not just for him but me as well. I got a breast pump,too!

I still am not ready for Avery but I’m getting there. His crib and stroller have been ordered which were the most major purchases to be made. Now that it’s done, I’m breathing easier(not really because breathing gets harder week by week). Now all that’s left is a paint job,curtain changes, packing the hospital bag, and buying Avery a snow suit or 2, bibs,diapers,wipes, pacifiers,and just in case formula. I’m hesitant about buying formula because I’m so anxious for breastfeeding to work but I am going to be prepared for IF it doesn’t. This is my last month to do everything and I’m feeling a little pressure to get everything done. However, everything has fallen into place so I’m going to just relax and enjoy buying cute baby things.

Free Fall Events in NYC

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One of the things I love most about living in NYC is for every holiday there are a million free or inexpensive events to participate in. All I ever have to do is make sure my Metro Card is loaded up and pack lunch for Shug and I. Many people don’t celebrate Halloween but there’s no reason they shouldn’t enjoy the Fall foliage as well as Fall activities. After doing a little digging, I’ve found a few FREE things to do with the kids in the 5 boroughs. Happy Autumn!

1. Greenbelt Pumpkin Festival

Admission is free however there is a $2 fee for the carousel as well as a fee for the pumpkins

Location:Willowbrook Park,Staten Island

Date: Saturday, October 7th

Time: 12PM- 5PM

2.Fall Harvest Festival

Live music,games, crafts,pumpkins,and more!
Location: Forest Park Victory Field, Forest Hills,Queens

Date: Saturday October 24

Time: 12PM-3PM

3. Children’s Harvest Festival

Children pick a pumpkin from the patch,decorste them,ride horse drawn carriages,and enjoy a concert

Location: Carl Schurz Park, Upper East Side,NYC

Date:Saturday, October 21

Time: 11AM-1PM

4.Autumn Moon Cultural Festival and Lantern Parade 

Part of the annual Chinese harvest season celebration, the festival includes cultural performances, traditional crafts,and a lantern Parade

Location: Sunset Park, Brooklyn

Date:Sunday, October 8

Time: 12PM- 5PM

5. Giant Pumpkin Weekend

Freakishly large pumpkins(some weigh over a ton) are on diplay during this fun weekend. The growers will be in attendance during a Q&A. You can also take pics with the pumpkins( I do believe they’re decorated/carved.

Location: New York Botanical Garden, The Bronx

Date: Saturday October 21-22

Time:10AM-6PM